Sunday, August 22, 2010

What Do You Do With a Problem Like Blago-a?

Some men suffer most when you take their lives. Life is what is sweetest to them. For Filargi money is sweetest. We'll leave him with his life and without money or anywhere to get it
Don Corrado Prizzi

He's the crazy relative who escaped from your cellar and keeps eluding the authorities.

It's easy to forget that former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was convicted on a charge that could carry a sentence of five years.  This is a man so addicted to the red light of the cameras that just seeing a stoplight can launch him into a twenty minute rant.  It had looked as if the media had finally grown bored of Governor Goofy's overbearing Alfred E. Neuman cluelessness, but last week's jury verdict renewed his passport to talk show ubiquity.

Will no one rid us this of walking pool of sleeze? Our prospects seem to be either another long, painful retrial on the 23 counts the jury deadlocked on, or just throwing up our hands and giving up.  Or . . .

In any other trade, he'd be pushing a broom and buying his overalls at Wal-Mart.  In politics, Blago's mastery of B.S. is bleepin' golden.  Even when we know he's talking nonsense, he's the car wreck we can't look away from.  So if we can't get him to prison, how do we get rid of him?  Where else could his unique gifts find suitable employment?

As is clear to anyone listening to the infamous tapes, Blagojevich has two primary obsessions: money and being the center of attention.  The untimely death of Billy May last year has opened up a void crying to be filled.  Could Blago be the man to do it?

Think about it.  Imagine Blago on TV at all hours of the night, extolling the wonders of the Sham Wow,  Oxy-Clean and What Odor?, products with far more credibility than his innocence.    Forever and ever, he'd have an audience of millions.  People recognizing him on street would call out his name in delight, just wanting to shake his hand.  He would be able to continue as a subject of parody, guaranteeing him a continued presence on more respectable media. 

Step two:  the Cindy Crawford route.  A full line of Blago hair care products.  A complete natural.  Who knows hair better than Rod Blagojevich?  It would be infomercial nirvana. Even if you can't help but break out laughing when he blathers on about his "dedication to the people", when he speaks about great hair, you know you'd better listen. 

Rod Blagojevich would become a very rich man, his closets filled with $4,000 suits, with more than enough left over for a vacation home in Capri and sending his kids to Harvard.  He would remain a very famous man.  And we would be happy for him.
Only don't tell me that you're innocent. Because it insults my intelligence and it makes me very angry. 
Michael Corleone.

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